I had realized it was the search for intimacy that was driving me to get involved in casual relationships so quickly.
I was craving that closeness, to be known and appreciated by someone like I had been with my husband, for my heart to be felt by someone else’s heart.
I’ve come up with all the excuses in the book for why our marriage ended.
But really, it all boils down to the fact that neither of us was truly maintaining our relationship with the Lord. If God had been our focus and our passion, the worldly definitions of success wouldn’t have widdled us down and exhausted us.
If God had been our center it would have been easier to fight through the dark valley we were struggling in.
My focus remained on the worldly definitions of success and happiness which quickly influenced my new relational status.
Three months later, I found myself in bed with someone I should not have been with.
It was a long and painful, even damaging, learning curve to see that these relationships wouldn’t bring anything close to the true intimacy I was actually searching for.
In coming to this realization, I knew that I had to withhold myself from sexual relationships outside of marriage.
Even though these encounters lead to fun girl-talk with my friends, I would cry myself to sleep at night, my heart aching for something more meaningful.
I had never felt more alone, empty or directionless.
To separate myself from my husband, I moved to a new city and started my life.